Redefining Success: How to Help Our Students Thrive

All parents want their children to succeed and lead healthy lives. However, the “success” we so often seek for our children can inadvertently lead to unhealthy stress and negative physical and mental health. In order to help parents and educators support their students, Dr. Pope has studied student well-being, belonging, and engagement for more than two decades and shared research-backed strategies with the Davidson Day community to help families foster balance, resilience, and a healthy definition of success at home and school.

Dr. Pope met with our Middle School and asked our students what success looks like to them. She heard students say things like, “To look back on your life and know you’ve made an impact,” and “Never giving up, always trying, and learning from your mistakes.” 

However, when she asked the students how they think their parents and the broader community define success, the answers shifted dramatically.

“Money and good grades.” 

While many students see success as something that is purposeful and personal, many believe that adults view it as a dollar amount or something that can be measured with a gradebook.

Our students’ perception echoes what Dr. Pope hears in schools around the world: Success has become measured by high grades, acceptance to a prestigious college, and a high-paying career. This definition of success is detrimental to student health; it increases stress, decreases well-being, and often undermines the joy and curiosity that support long-term motivation and achievement. But as Dr. Pope’s research shows, success is not a linear path; it’s a winding road that everyone drives differently.

Dr. Pope identifies three core elements that drive real, sustainable success:

1. Well-Being: According to Dr. Pope’s study of over 350,000 middle and high school students, students report that their biggest stressors are grades, tests, quizzes, homework, and time management. Alarmingly, 27% of high school students reported missing school due to stress, and nearly one-third of students lack confidence in their ability to cope with stress.

Stress itself is not the enemy. We all experience it. But without coping tools, boundaries, rest, and downtime, stress becomes overwhelming and harmful to student well-being.

2. Belonging: Belonging means feeling valued, accepted, and connected in a community. And it matters profoundly. A critical protective factor in student mental health is having a trusted connection at school. According to Dr. Pope’s research, only 70% of middle schoolers and 73% of high schoolers have a trusted connection with an adult at school.

At Davidson Day, we strive for every student to feel known, seen, and supported, but Dr. Pope’s national data shows that these numbers are not where they should be. Belonging fuels motivation and helps students persevere through challenges. It reminds them they are not alone.

3. Engagement: Dr. Pope describes three types of student engagement: 
- Affective: "I enjoy this work."
- Behavioral: "I put in effort and complete the work."
- Cognitive: "I understand why this work matters."

For students to be fully engaged, all three must be present. Yet, only 26% of middle schoolers and only 14% of high schoolers have all three forms of engagement at once. Most students, she explained, are simply “doing school,” checking boxes without meaningful connection to their learning.

Every parent wants the best for their child. But in a culture that celebrates being overscheduled and overachieving, it can be difficult to know where to begin. Dr. Pope encouraged families to make small, intentional commitments that can make a big difference in supporting their students.

1. Reflect on how your student spends their 24-hour day. Think about each aspect of their daily life. School, homework, extracurriculars, paid work, chores, media, playtime, downtime, family time, sleep. Do they have more to do than hours in a day? Extracurriculars are great, but is your student stretched too thin?

2. Prioritize playtime, downtime, and family time. These are the three most important protective factors for student health. Aim to build screen-free time into your child’s day. Make commitments such as, “We will eat together as a family at least __ times a week,” or “Our family will charge our phones outside our bedrooms at night.”

3. Define pathways to success. Take time to talk with your student about what success looks like, for you and for them. Share your own definition, listen to theirs, and look for the overlapping values. When students understand that success has many pathways, not just grades or outcomes, they feel more grounded, confident, and supported.

At Davidson Day School, we want every student to feel confident, capable, cared for, and connected. Dr. Pope’s visit served as a powerful reminder that success is not about the pressure to perform. It’s about having the well-being, belonging, and engagement needed to thrive.

When we redefine success, we not only relieve pressure from our children, we open up space for them to become resilient, motivated, and joyful learners.